The Twenty Three Year Old, Part I

Many, many months ago, I decided to switch things up and take an Amtrak train to visit my now ex-boyfriend in Sacramento. Being the Patty Punctual I am, I tried to time it just right. Since I only had a half hour before arrival, I was in quite a rush from bart gate to amtrak platform. (You see, PattyPunctuals need ample wait time to ensure punctuality. At LEAST 20-30 minutes is my personal preference.) On my mad-dash up the stairs, I semi-noticed a really tall, super attractive guy pushing an empty wheelchair with a vice magazine {barf} as the passenger. The wheelchair was weird, but this particular amtrak line attracts college kids like nobodies' business. I deduced he was Davis-y.

Though college kids en route to Davis are typical, they are typically not so snappily dressed as this kid. Noted, but along with the chair, that's about all I noticed as I took the stairs. Right as I passed, he asked me if I had a pen. I squawked a quick nope, and upped the steps. Luckily once I got to the top, I had plenty of time to spare with the unreliable time table of the trains. Next thing I know, wheelchair dude was at my side. Let me back up and describe his features, as this is the point that I could actually see his face. I said tall, like 6'6 tall. (Which is always a gold star to girls of my stature.) Dark curly hair, thin build, big light blue eyes, but very olive complexion. Mediterranean as my grandma would say. My best celebrity match would be Adrien Grenier...but not as dreamy. I think he had on florescent nikes, he was clearly really young. He initiated by asking me about the train arriving from Davis (called it) and I said I had no idea. He then keeps asking me questions, and I am too polite/good at stranger gab, and with a fluctuating twenty to thirty minute wait time, I didn't mind his company. In a few minutes I learned that he is a film student {hence wheelchair for a needed prop} lives in Marin with parents, yet works at FCUK on Powell.{Hence snappy get-up.}

This is when things get funny.....out of absolutely nowhere he asks me how old I am. This is when I realize just how young this kid is...I mean no manman would ask a lady her age. I said thirty, even though I'm still only twenty nine. (I can't wait to be thirty.) So I ask him back....as you can surmise, big vingt trois. The next sentence that exits his young mouth..."So, can I take you to dinner sometime?" HOLY CRAP. A hot young dude just asked me out!!!! I gotta tell you, as I was doing the whole Im sorry I have a boyfriend shpeel, my ego was doing the macarena in fast forward mode. It was pretty groovy. And right as his poor face started to bum out from my let down, this incredibly loud black dude bum saunters up.

"AH EXCUSE ME MAM, I DON'T MEAN TO INTERRUPT YOU.... TALKIN TO YOUR SON...."


HEYYYYYY MACAWHAT THE FUCK.

Ego Up and now so, so, so, so, so down. What ego.

"AAAAAAAH come ON man." I laughed/yelled back.

23 awkwardly began to shuffle. I just shot him down, and instantly I became his mom who yells at bums. The mouth bum doesn't stop there.

"OH OH OH...you're brother and sister, Im sorry...."

"JESUS CHRIST DUDE!" I then realized this is one of the funniest moments of my life.
I just started laughing.


Poor 23 starts to shred through his wallet to find Mouth Bum a dollar. I tried to make things funny, but really i was just laughing, while simultaneously giving the bum the big eyed get the fuck off look to make the poor kid feel less bad. The rest of the people on the platform were now fully apprised of this already awkward interaction. After years go by.....Mouth Bum got it.

"OHHHHHHHHHHHHH you get it kid! You fucking GET THAT! yeah boy!..." etc etc. 23 finally hands over like a fiver. He was kinda wobbley.

Lord Almighty, this poor fucking kid. As the mouth bum sauntered off laughing to himself, and the audience turned inward, I felt so fucking bad for 23. It didn't occur to me that I should probably feel some sort of embarrassment. It was too much like watching an HBO sitcom to realize it was happening to ME. Like I said, I was more concerned for 23. What can I say, Im a bleeder in the heart.

"Look 23, let me give you my number, so you can come out with me and my friends. I have some single gals who you'd like." I was lying. I didn't have any single friends (who'd date him) but I am a YENTA at heart and this little tall kid, was a potential project, (potential FCUK discount.) More honestly, I didn't think he would call. I wouldn't. Thats for damn sure. And like every well scripted comedy,my train rolled up with perfect timing. I scraped my macarenego up off the cement and boarded the silly train while texting every single person I know.

If you are a friend, I already heard you laugh to this story. So I'm sorry for the redundancy, but I had to memorialize this. I have to say I'm much better live, but I never want to forget this little gem of a story.


Amazingly enough....this shit continues. Soon my little babies.

No comments: